Say My Name
by April
Summary: Jean gets revenge! Wolvie gets some! Xavier gets high! No one likes Scott! Rude, Raunchy, and 99% fat free!!!


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SUMMARY: Gee, you'll just have to read it and find out. Basically plotless, but filled with pointless fun!

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RATING: R, for gratuitous sex, drug use, language… can ya think of anything else?

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own 'em, but I sure wish Marvel would get a clue…I know a number of people who'd buy comics if they had this stuff in 'em

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, this is officially my first posting, but I've been wading in fanfic for quite a while. I can't be serious all the time, so…I wrote this. My next post will be a drama, however (like anyone cares.) Now stop reading this and read the damn story, please! (-Lioness aka April)

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Say My Name

It was 2 AM, and Jean Grey and Scott Summers were engaged in marital relations. Or...at least Jean was. Scott hadn't seen her this into it in.well, ever. And boy, he thought, it sure beat her usual, "Scott, are you done yet? For Godsakes, Scott, hurry up!" 

Or the time she read a book. 

But no, now she was moaning, actually moaning! Scott was as excited as the day he'd become an Eagle Scout. In the final throws of passion, she tilted back her head, and yelled in exultation, at the top of her lungs, 

"Wolverine!!!"

Logan, who up until then had been sleeping rather peacefully two doors down, bolted out of bed, ready for action when he heard what sounded like a desperate cry from Jeannie. He leapt across the hallway and dramatically kicked the Summers' door down. There was a moment of absolute silence as he found a very naked Jean on top of a very naked Scott.

"You...uh...need anything, darlin'?"

He ducked three full-powered optic blasts, although the last one singed his hair, and grabbed Jean's wrist, dragging them both out of there. He managed to get them to his room, where he slammed the door and turned to face her, oblivious to Scott's curses.

"So, Jeannie, I decided I loveya as more 'n a friend, an' I wondered if ya, ya know, wanna consummate our relationship. Whaddya say?"

Jean looked up at him, still quite naked, and still quite dazed.

"Huh?"

"Good enough," Wolverine said.

In a surprising short number of seconds, they were both in bed, naked and sweating.

"Oh," Jean moaned. "Oh, Scott."

Wolverine paused for a minute to look down. Jean looked up at him with wide-eyed innocence.

"Did I say stop, Logan?"

"Whatever," He said, and kept going.

Hours later, Jean was in her room, surrounded by all the X-Women-- Rogue, Storm, and Jubilee.

"So," She said, sniffing a little and patting at her nose delicately with a tissue, "Scott just doesn't understand me anymore."

They all nodded in sympathetic understanding.

"And Wolverine took advantage of my fragile emotional state..."

They all nodded in sympathetic understanding.

"Thank you all for being so sympathetic and understanding."

They all smiled smiles that were...oh, you get the picture. Jean handed them each letters.

"I want you to have these before I go."

Then she walked down to the garage, where she waved a tearful goodbye. However, as soon as nobody was looking, she hot-wired Wolverine's motorcycle and tore off, yelling "Suckers!!!" as she counted Rogue, Storm, and Jubilee's money that she had telekinetically sneaked into her suitcase while they'd chatted.

Professor Xavier rolled up to the crowd of astonished X-Ladies, smoking something that looked suspiciously like a joint.

"That is some seriously fucked-up shit."

Everyone looked at him. He rolled his eyes, dropped his joint and rolled over it a couple times, then said,

"Jean's actions were irrational and irresponsible. What could have prompted such erratic behavior?"

Everyone nodded in satisfaction then began to open the letters crazy old Jean had given him or her before she took off. Storm read,

STORM: WE KNOW IT'S A WEAVE

Before anyone could see this damning piece of evidence, she quickly chewed and swallowed the note. Cyclops read,

SCOTT: NO ONE LIKES YOU

"Well DUH, Jean," Cyclops said, snorting in laughter. "Tell us something we DON'T know." 

"That's right! Ah can't stand you, sugah!" Rogue declared.

Everyone laughed in agreement.

"Remy, he try to kill you this morning, but unfortunately the plan failed."

Everyone smiled and nodded at their united hatred of Scott.

Rogue unfolded hers.

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT YOUR BOOBS.

"What about 'em?" Rogue asked.

THEY'RE FAKE, STUPID, the note read.

"Oh, right!"

Rogue quietly passed the note down to Storm, who ate it.

"I find I quite like the taste of paper," she said. Everyone ignored Storm.

Charles read his out loud.

MAGNETO THINKS YOU DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE

Professor Xavier let out a sigh.

"He ALWAYS gets this way around Valentine's day."

Wolverine's was the longest.

SORRY ABOUT THE BIKE. NOT. FOR A SHORT, HAIRY GUY, YOU'RE PRETTY DAMN GOOD IN BED.

Then she gave him the number to the pager she'd stolen from Jubilee. Wolverine shook his head as his eyes teared up in pride.

"She's my kinda gal."

"Dude, this is some crazy shit," Professor Xavier said.

Everyone stared at him.

"I mean...These events are inexplicable and undermine the solid foundations of logic and reasoning."

They kept staring.

"Fire!!" He yelled, and they all scattered, running and screaming.

"I gotta save the beer!" Logan yelled, and dived through a mansion window, leaving Professor Charles Xavier to smoke his joint in peace.

"Suckers..."

Wow! Glad I got that out! Now, review me, por favor. And no flames, or Logan'll break another window.


End file.
